Remember the good old days? Motorcycles were light and simple. There were dozens of different brands to
choose from. Motocross tracks had real, natural terrain.
Dealers stocked the parts you needed. Riding areas were
plentiful. America was a dirt bike paradise. Remember?
If you do, chances are you have contracted FSS, otherwise known as Facebook Saturation Sickness. This is
a disease that attacks the central nervous system and
embeds itself in the medial temporal lobe of the brain. In its
early stages, it alters memories. As the sickness develops,
it becomes more intrusive, eventually replacing memories
or creating them altogether. Victims develop erratic emotions and experience a longing for things that don’t exist.
Laboratory experiments have been conducted where mice
are subjected to nonstop Facebook 24 hours a day. Within
the first week the subjects show lethargic behavior where
they just stare at the computer without blinking. In the second week they start clawing at the monitor until their little
feet bleed, as if they’re trying desperately to tunnel their
way into the screen. Later, some have been observed gaining weight dramatically and getting tattoos of some kind
of mouse paradise. Experiments were eventually halted by
animal rights groups, who rightfully pointed out the cruelty
of the program.
One of the reasons that FSS is so dangerous is that
it’s the first time that a computer virus has mutated into a
biological virus. It sounds amazing, but the facts are clear:
people are catching the disease from their computers, and
a pandemic could very easily result. The good news is that
it’s easy to diagnose yourself. Here are some of the clues.
Do you find yourself looking for a Kawasaki KX500
on Craigslist? This is a classic symptom. The KX500 is
By Ron Lawson
Do you join in with the posting frenzy about all the
old brands you used to love? Okay, think back. Before
Facebook, did you even know what a CZ was? Be honest.
I’m pretty old, and I never rode one until they had already
become extinct. If you actually raced a CZ, then you’re
about 60 years old and your memory is already failing by
natural means. In that case, there’s no need to hasten the
decline by indulging in online chatter. If you never experienced a CZ, or a Bultaco or a Sachs, then you’re probably
better off in the long run.
You think you remember natural-terrain motocross
tracks? You see the photos on the screen and they look
great; rolling green hills with black dirt, just like in the old
days. Awesome, right? If they actually ran real, natural-terrain tracks today, the riders would riot. Think back, past
the implanted images. Real, natural terrain was only good
for one day after a good rain. The next time it was full of
ruts and was nasty. That’s when they brought in the bulldozer to fix that stuff, and next thing you know, that natural
terrain didn’t look so natural anymore. People also have
an altered recollection of iconic old tracks like Saddleback
because of the Trans Am photos that survived. The reason those photos are still being posted and reposted is
because they’re the only ones where the track looked
good. No one took pictures of what Saddleback looked
like on a Wednesday. The surface was like an abandoned
section of Route 66, only harder and with big whoops. We
rode it and liked it because it was all we had and we didn’t
know any better. Now we do. We insist that our practice
tracks are graded, watered and prepped every day; otherwise, we go to one of the other 10 tracks in the area.
The worst thing about FSS is that it makes people live in
the past without awareness of how good things are today.
If only there was a cure. If only there was some way to stop
the virus from spreading from the computer to the brain. If
only there were some kind of off switch.
Oh, wait… . ❑
“Laboratory experiments have been
conducted where mice are subjected
to nonstop Facebook 24 hours a day.”
everywhere on Facebook. It started way before all those
postings of Travis Pastrana riding one in the Red Bull
Straight Rhythm or Sean Collier winning with one at the
MTA Two-Stroke Championship. These events and others
have altered your memory. Let me refresh it. The KX500
was discontinued because its time had come. It vibrated.
It sputtered. The engine would shake itself out of its frame.
It was heavier than a modern 450 four-stroke. It hit hard
and signed off early. It was so hard to ride that you had
to be someone like Travis Pastrana or Sean Collier just to
hang on. Like many, I loved it at the time, but that time
was 1989. If you find one, by all means, restore it, make it
beautiful and put it in the study next to your over-stuffed
Lazyboy. But for heaven’s sake, don’t ride it.
“If they actually ran real, natural-terrain tracks today, the riders would